Diary for Slate.com

October 10, 2001

This has turned into the right week to be buried under a tall pile of work. When I’m talking on the phone about one project or another, I’m not watching my country edging towards a growing Anthrax panic, our national consciousness flinching as we wonder where and how terrorism will strike next.

This afternoon, I tried to sit down to some serious writing, but the words wouldn’t come, so I decided to call someone I knew could lift my spirits. Most of us have that one person who can reliably bring you up. It may be your mother or your brother, your new best friend or a pal from long ago, but the bottom line is, you hear that voice and the world suddenly looks better. Or it may turn out that they need their spirit lifted, and the job of strength falls upon you. Not quite the same, but you do learn that perhaps you had it better than you knew. I’d been saving that phone call, and the time had come.

Willie Nelson and I have been occasional golf buddies for twenty years. I’ve written a few things for him and about him, but mostly we just like to shoot the shit. Lately he’s been fighting a nagging case of pneumonia, but is still playing his gigs, so I called him on the bus that he calls home for a couple of hundred days a year. For a long time, when I called the bus I’d ask where he was. He’d look out the window at the passing country-side and say, "I see some fields," or "Looks like America to me."

So I already knew where he was, he was at home in America.

"Mr. Nelson, Mr. Pipkin," I said.

Hey!" he said, his mellifluous tone rolling back at me, strong enough for me to know he was feeling better. "I enjoyed that magazine story!"

A couple of months ago, we’d spent the day playing golf and chess, shooting pool and listening to his upcoming album, "The Great Divide," which I think is one of his best. I took notes all day and wrote a story for a new magazine called "Fringe Golf." Lemme tell you, writing about your friends is no gimme. Willie’s a better golfer than most people suspect, but I couldn’t resist saying his swing looked like "fly-casting a frozen turkey," so hearing that he liked the piece was all the lift I needed.

Just hearing his voice sent me back a couple of weeks when I’d watched him on TV singing "America the Beautiful" to close the "Tribute to Heroes" telethon. As Clint Eastwood’s speech morphed into Willie’s first guitar licks, I found myself fighting back my tears. Then Willie got to the line that got to all of us: "Thine alabaster cities gleam, Undimmed by human tears." Like so many Americans, I just let it flow. Willie had given me permission.

Today we had some new business to go over. The Emmy-winning PBS documentary series "American Masters" is producing a two-hour film on Willie. I initially took the project to American Masters and it’s since taken on a wonderful life of its own. American Masters knows what they’re doing, and New York filmmaker Steve Cantor is directing. That leaves me as a producer whose main job is to make sure everyone’s happy. Willie sounded happy. We talked about filming his upcoming "10K Race for Farm Aid" in Austin and about the photo "Texas Monthly" is going to take of Willie and mystery writer Kinky Friedman posed as the farm couple in American Gothic.

"I get to hold the pitchfork; Kinky’s going to wear the dress," Willie told me. "Kinky’s always been mad he wasn’t born a woman anyway."

I was still laughing when, as they say in London, we rung off. A smile had found my face and for the first time all day, I had the general idea that everything was going to be okay.

For the next couple of hours, I managed to put in some good work on a whole string of projects: the still-pending movie of my coming-of-age golf novel, Fast Greens; a first-look at the web-site, turkpipkin.com, that my sister-in-law is putting together, and a magazine pitch about the dam the government of Belize foolishly wants to build on the upper Macal River basin that will destroy much of the breeding grounds of the endangered Scarlet Macaw and Baird’s Tapir. Good news and bad, the world was moving on.

I didn’t even let the round-the-clock anthrax coverage get to me. Not until my wife came in this evening to report why our ten-year-old daughter was so emotional tonight. She’d been having trouble sleeping, and finally told her mom that it was because of bad dreams. In her dream, she was at a local market when a man asked if he could sit down with her and her friends.

"What was that chemical that they used to spray on crops that was so poisonous?" my daughter asked.

"DDT," my wife answered.

"That’s it," she said. "The man was mentally disturbed, but he looked normal, and he had this big tank of DDT that he started spraying on us."

Believe me, this is as hard to write as it is to read. The worst part was, in my daughter’s dream, her best friend had died. Not too surprisingly, our girl scared and sad. I think my wife came up with some pretty good answers for her, but let’s face it, they’re answers to questions we never wanted to hear.

"Sadness is a real emotion in your heart," Christy told our first-born, "but fear is in your mind. And your mind you can control. If you live in fear that things might happen, it can be as bad as if they really did happen. You have to take strength from what’s real, even when it’s sad."

When I was ten, my fears were that communists were going to sweep across America, lock us in our stadiums and torture us until we thought like they did. In the ensuing years, I somehow came to the conclusion that we’d done a better job in the world since then. But now my daughter is ten, and the world is falling down around her.

"Man has been faced with terrible tragedies and events throughout our history," my wife reassured her, "and we’ve always come through it."

"I know that," our daughter said, "but this is the first time it’s happened to me."

Our daughter is asleep now, her dreams beyond our reach. Tomorrow is another day, more bad news from far away no doubt, more fears from just around the corner, and more phone calls to the people we love.

Stay well and keep singing, Willie; we need you.